Gotta Love A Good Rear End

So here we are. 

It's been almost a month and a half now that I have been completely single.

And about 3 months since I have been completely alone.

I came to this realization today.

It's quite the tale, but this is how it happened.

I was shoving a bite of lukewarm, protein enriched oatmeal into my mouth, attempting to feel skinny and lifelessly gazing at Oxygen channel's movie premiere of "The Duchess." Kiera Knightly was looking frizzy haired and giraffe like as usual in her 1700's cupcake frock, though still managing to look infinitely better than me at my best. I flipped on the tv just in time to see her reunited with her old flame (unbeknownst to her asshole husband).  Lock her chastity belt tight, Duke! This one spells trouble! She sneaks off with this guy at some raging 1700's kegger (scandalous!) where her lover....throws her onto the bed...rips off her...frock? corset? And...

O.M.G.

Change the channel.

Choke back tears.

Choke up oatmeal.

I am alone.

I have been alone.

Forever.

*one month and 9 days*

But who's counting?

Forever.

Total. Chaos. Ensues.

 My bite of oatmeal is still sitting in my mouth, gluing my mouth together. My bowl has fallen to the ground,  Henry is peeing on the floor. There's a terrible screeching noise!  It wont stop! It's coming from my pocket. I'm dying! Bird Flu! Maybe I really am a cyborg. The world is ending! History channel was right, oohhh God it's Y2K come late! 

Oh...

my phone is...ringing. Someone's...calling me?

A PHONE CALL!

Quick! It's a person! Answer before they hang up!

It's my best friend, Kyle. He's on his way over. He wants to get coffee. He wants me to leave my house. 

I get to leave my house! I get to put on makeup and see really real people and really real daylight!

We get in my car. I need to remember how to drive. Gas= Go. Ok. We come up to train tracks, there's a train. A line of cars. Better...break? Stop. Yes. 

I somewhat stop, pull down my mirror to rub at my face since my neck is three shades whiter than my foundation due to my lack of sun, and CRACK!

Promptly rear end the car in front of me. 

Sweet.

Kyle laughs at me. The elderly man steps out of his car as I fight back tears, yet again. He shuffles towards me, gets my name and information, and drives off.

 And that is when it hit me:

Rear ending an elderly man

is the most action

I've seen

in months.

Fuck.