Why I'd Rather Shove Hot Pokers Through My Eyes Than Spend Valentine's Day Alone

So.

Last week was Valentine's Day.

 I have officially decided that if I ever decide to blindly jump into a relationship again, only to find out he is some sort of mutant asshole or has a closet full of homicide skin clothing or some other hidden creepy rapey lie-ey trait, I'm going to wait until after Valentine's Day to call things off. Because I have decided that spending a week longer than planned snuggling a closet mass murderer boyfriend would be more favorable than spending Valentine's Day freshly broken up and alone. 

But, why, you may be asking. Since being single has catapulted me into list making mode, I have compiled a list of why I would rather watch Two Girls One Cup on repeat (not favorable, just to clarify) than spend Valentine's Day alone right after a break up.

Reason #1: You cant even eat your feelings without being reminded of how much you suck.

So, it's Valentine's Day. You're sitting at home, alone, alternating your slack jawed stares between the romantic comedy fml love fest that every channel insists on assaulting you with, and your textless cell phone. You reach for your family sized bag of M&M's as another passionate love scene comes on, only to realize that the bag is empty (just like your soul). Ryan Gosling is about to kiss Rachel McAdams in the pouring rain and...holy shit... You are out of Doritos too. And icrecream! And cheesesticks! And cookie dough. And Crisco.  And dignity. You turn to your puppy for some support, who gazes lovingly into your eyes as he shits on the floor. You decide enough is enough! You will not sulk like this! You will go out and be independent! You get in your car and drive yourself to the nearest HuHot. It's like 3pm, no one will be there to see you eating alone. No more stupid happy couples on stupid happy tv. Just noodles and awesomeness.

Wrong.

You sit down with your steaming plate of emotional support, only to look up and discover that the whole buffet line is coated with couples. Loving...couples...holding hands and...nuzzling each other's necks and...giggling. Ugh. You promptly lose your appetite, eat your concoction, go back for seconds, then thirds, and finally slink back to your car, hoping your parents decided to pick up groceries on their way home from work.

Reason #2: Everyone on Facebook has a happy fake relationship except you.

After eating all of the food in your house, you realize that there is nothing to take your mind off of your ex and how happy things were when you dont remember how miserable you were most of the time. Since your puppy is unreliable and your cat hates you almost as much as you hate yourself, you turn to Facebook for some social interaction. Oh look...Valentine's Day posts...Jenny Mcbitchnugget just got engaged. Wasn't she only dating that guy for like a month? How nice, generic happy couple that you love to hate is going out for a fancy dinner date...hopefully they go to HuHot, you cleaned that place out. And lookie here, stupid girl from interterm class got a big pearl promise ring...and all the ugly people are complaining about being single. After going through and sending mental hate vibes to every joyous couple you can find, you close your computer, curl into the fetal position, and remember why you have no friends.

Reason #3: The only "love note" you get is from your dad, reminding you to clean out the fridge.

Welp. At least you got that one covered. And you didn't even have to try.

Reason #4: Suddenly, EVERYTHING reminds you of the ex you just dumped.

You've tried everything to escape the cloud of singleness, eating, Facebook, none of it has worked. So you turn on the radio. Music always helps.... Crap. Your favorite channel is playing "your" song. The one that you and your ex made out to and were going to dance to someday at your wedding. Channel change. Shit. You hear that one song that you heard on your first date with your ex. So you change the channel, heavy metal will have something more fitting anyway. Nope. You hear the song that you and your ex both hated, because you both hate heavy metal. Country will be more whiney and less lovey. Heart break and dogs and junk, right? Wrong. You hear the song that was playing in the background of the Amigos you ate a fish taco at with your ex when you were trying to decide whether you should go to Shopko or home to watch a movie. But! A commercial comes on, yay! Annnnnd it's a Halmark Valentine's Day commercial. Your ex always used to get you Halmark cards specifically. Radio off. You decide to go through your phone, play some games or something. Your phone flashes your background, which is a picture of you and your ex. Shit. Why did you "forget" to change it yesterday? You throw your phone against the wall, and sob uncontrollably. Even crying reminds you of your relationship. Damnit!

Reason #5: All the unfavorable options crawl out of the woodwork, reminding you why you were sick of being single the last time.

Fortunately for you, you are not the only lonely single who hates their life on Valentine's day. Unfortunately for you, all the other lonely singles are the left overs who are single for a reason, mainly: you've already dumped them. Your phone, which has been quiet all day, suddenly blows up with texts from your exes. Not your most recent ex, no, he's ignoring you because apparently you ending the relationship due to his lying was the most hurtful thing you could do to him. No, these are past exes. From high school. And college. And everywhere else you chose to not to remember. Valentine's Day is like their full moon. They've hidden away forever, this day is their time to emerge, hairy, jagged teeth, smelling like garbage (none of this actually caused by Valentine's Day, they were always like this). They are sick of their nightly Jergens jerk and COD routine, and have a blood lust for vagina. Specifically, your vagina. They saw on Facebook that you are newly single, whether it be from the relationship status or the endless amount of cat pictures you have been posting, and are not going to waste any time. They know you are a serial monogamist, and now is their chance. They know you are sitting at home, bloated and whiney, just looking for a rebound. You text them back for awhile, just until you get the satisfaction of them asking you to hang out, and then quit talking to them. You giggle a bit. At least you always have options. But looking through your list of texts, you are reminded that all of your options are of the shitty kind, and once again, come to the decision that you will be forever alone. 

Hopefully, if you are actually still reading this, you will understand why it is infinitely better to spend Valentine's Day with someone you are miserable with, rather than spending it alone and miserable. 

So far, my singleness is going well.

 Next week, I will celebrate my official one month of being completely single. Woo! 

This calls for icecream.