Watch out, Single to-do list

Here it is. In 13 days, I would have been getting married. Such a strange thought. 

SOO in honor of my failed luck at relationships, I figured today would be a better day than any to update my Single to-do list. 

Single to-do list

• Take myself out to dinner/lunch. Alone. Leave cell phone security blanket in car. People watch. (Jimmy John's yo. I ate that. Solo.)
• Go to a coffee shop and bask in aloneness. (Hahah! CHECK! I've done this like 4 times already. And I actually like it.)
• Write an awesome slam poem
• Go to slam poetry open mic night
• Perform poem at open mic night. Wear scarf. Receive snaps of appreciation.
• Go to a dog park with Henry.
• Go on a backroads road trip, with or without someone
• Be comfortable with myself naked (Halfway done, my body seems less atrocious.)
• Believe I'm pretty, wholeheartedly, without someone having to tell me. (Half heartedly, so I'm getting there)
• Wear a bikini without feeling bad for innocent pedestrians.
• Sing a karaoke song sober. Nail that shit. (Hell ya! Just did this shit last night. Some guy shook my hand. Not sure if it was because he liked my voice or because he was glad I got off the stage finally.)
• Hit on a guy, preferably one waaaay out of my league. (Oh, I did.)
• Collect more retro clothes. Own my pinupy retro awesomeness. (Working on it)
• Give my opinion, regardless of the consequences. (I've been doing this, but I enjoy being a jerk so much that I'm not going to cross it off yet. I really like when people think I'm joking. I'm not.) 
• Go to the Piano bar/Starlight Lounge dressed in pinup attire.
• Work on a car, preferably an old 40's one that will aid in Rockabilly pinup agenda.
• Get a kick ass job (Done. Got a job with my degree, just like my ex said I wouldn't.)
• Go to grad school?
• Be happy alone (I have so many offers from eligible men. And I. dont. want. any of them.)
• Talk to that one boy from church. Make a date happen, once I've regained half of my sanity. (Not sure if I want this to happen anymore...) 
• Marry him.
• Ha, kidding.
• ...Kind of.
• Join a club of some sort, preferably one out of my comfort zone.
• Have a long, awkward, heartfelt conversation about life with a telemarketer.
• Break social norms. Sit next to someone and strike up conversation. 
• Get an apartment by myself or with someone.
• Make eye contact with a guy and smile without blushing. (This is so easy now, why was I so self conscious before? Oh yea, my POS ex who made me feel like I was a wall flower.)

Like really, words cannot describe how accomplished I feel right now. I'm doing so good! I shall post an updated list soon, with revisions and additions and such. 

Gotta Love A Good Rear End

So here we are. 

It's been almost a month and a half now that I have been completely single.

And about 3 months since I have been completely alone.

I came to this realization today.

It's quite the tale, but this is how it happened.

I was shoving a bite of lukewarm, protein enriched oatmeal into my mouth, attempting to feel skinny and lifelessly gazing at Oxygen channel's movie premiere of "The Duchess." Kiera Knightly was looking frizzy haired and giraffe like as usual in her 1700's cupcake frock, though still managing to look infinitely better than me at my best. I flipped on the tv just in time to see her reunited with her old flame (unbeknownst to her asshole husband).  Lock her chastity belt tight, Duke! This one spells trouble! She sneaks off with this guy at some raging 1700's kegger (scandalous!) where her lover....throws her onto the bed...rips off her...frock? corset? And...

O.M.G.

Change the channel.

Choke back tears.

Choke up oatmeal.

I am alone.

I have been alone.

Forever.

*one month and 9 days*

But who's counting?

Forever.

Total. Chaos. Ensues.

 My bite of oatmeal is still sitting in my mouth, gluing my mouth together. My bowl has fallen to the ground,  Henry is peeing on the floor. There's a terrible screeching noise!  It wont stop! It's coming from my pocket. I'm dying! Bird Flu! Maybe I really am a cyborg. The world is ending! History channel was right, oohhh God it's Y2K come late! 

Oh...

my phone is...ringing. Someone's...calling me?

A PHONE CALL!

Quick! It's a person! Answer before they hang up!

It's my best friend, Kyle. He's on his way over. He wants to get coffee. He wants me to leave my house. 

I get to leave my house! I get to put on makeup and see really real people and really real daylight!

We get in my car. I need to remember how to drive. Gas= Go. Ok. We come up to train tracks, there's a train. A line of cars. Better...break? Stop. Yes. 

I somewhat stop, pull down my mirror to rub at my face since my neck is three shades whiter than my foundation due to my lack of sun, and CRACK!

Promptly rear end the car in front of me. 

Sweet.

Kyle laughs at me. The elderly man steps out of his car as I fight back tears, yet again. He shuffles towards me, gets my name and information, and drives off.

 And that is when it hit me:

Rear ending an elderly man

is the most action

I've seen

in months.

Fuck.